Sunday, September 23, 2012

Q & A (Parenting)

This week's question is from P. M. in Massachusetts...


Hi Sunday,
Should I let my daughter stay overnight at her friend's house? I'm not asking for permission, but I am not sure I should say no. She is new to the school and just made friends, a sleepover is planned and I don't know the family or any of the other kids. I am afraid my daughter will be left out of other things if I say no. She has had sleepovers with friends at our old house, but I knew all the moms.
P.M.
Mass.


Hi P.,
Tricky indeed. You give no indication of her age, but most girls start sleepovers around age 10 and by age 15 are less likely to have issues in getting permission; I'll assume she is within those ages. Also, you stated she's had sleepovers at your home, but was it reciprocal with the known parents? 

If your caution has served you well, perhaps it isn't that you are as concerned with knowing who the parents are, but rather, knowing them well enough to allow your child to be in their care. Allowing sleepovers in your own home has given your daughter the feeling of being part of the group without your fears for her safety becoming an issue. 

I suggest getting to know the parents much better and finding out how they plan to entertain the girls for the evening. Ask the important questions: Will a parent be awake most of the night? The girls will be awake until the sun is up...or is that only in my experiences...  
Are there brothers in the home? If so, where will they be (sleeping)? Will they be allowed to go outside at all during the sleepover? Will anyone else be allowed into the home besides the invited girls? Who are the other girls (and their parents)? Will the parents have any visitors that night? Who else lives in the home (an aunt, uncle, grandparent, exchange student)? Is it a smoking house? Do the parents drink alcohol (will they drink while the girls are there)? What is the condition of the home (safe, clean)?

The key phrase here is "Get to know the parents much better!" before agreeing to any sleepovers. It doesn't matter if it is going on next door and you can see into their living room and if every girl in your daughter's class will be there. That doesn't matter. 

What matters is that her life and well being are paramount to you. You have to feel certain about the situation you put her in...millions of mothers have been in your place of question; most had nothing to worry about, what of the ones that did? This is the stuff that keeps you up at night. 

My mum always told me, "When in doubt say NO!" I sometimes round the bend in my thinking process tormenting myself with endless possibilities, outcomes that sound like the Forensic Files, and panic attacks. Then that wee voice in my head (no, not a crazy one) reminds me to mind my mother's wisdom. 

This made for unhappy moments in the Kazas home; my daughter could be angry with me, that didn't matter. What mattered was that she was with me, whilst being angry. 





In another post I'll explain ways I was able to keep sane during my daughter's teen years while still able to provide the freedom she so desired.



P.M. don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings over your parenting decisions; another caring parent understands such things and children get over disappointments when spoken to with care and respect. I also found it helpful to use diversion tactics--make a fun evening that competes with or overshadows what she'll be missing. It is more "work" for you this way, but you will forge a trusting and loving relationship greater than you can imagine from where you now stand.

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